This is my first blog post! This space is just for me- a place to write things down, keep track of my thoughts, and hopefully look back on all of this later. Ideally… Realistically, we’ll see if I can even keep up with this.
This new year is starting off very mixed, honestly. I’ve had a couple of days where I’ve gone 30+ hours sober (!!) before inevitably screwing up. Relationships have also been a complete disaster, which is unfortunately one of the main things affecting my mental state right now. Love that for me.
Between Omar, Salah, and the various random men I keep drunk-texting, I am a total mess. I keep telling myself I need to work on this- hopefully 2026 is the year I finally learn how to be nonchalant.
I was originally going to keep this vague, but I might as well get into it.
As of now, Omar is in one of his “cold” stages. This began immediately after a very brief intimate moment over text- the kind where we sexted and he disappeared halfway through. He’s been a ghost ever since, which is, frankly, evil.
What really kills me is that he always seems to know the exact moment to pull me back in before discarding me again. It feels strategic at this point. This happens every time I start to detach, but this time it’s worse because it was sexual- which is what I’ve been wanting for the past year. I’m coping better now, but I hate knowing that I will probably fall for it again. And again. And again. Until one of us dies.
Salah is basically Omar 2.0. They both have this strange quality where I cannot tell whether I find them ugly or not. Some days I’m obsessed, other days I’m confused. They’re also both kind of dense, which I regrettably find deeply endearing.
At least with Salah, I’m not close enough to completely humiliate myself. Mostly..
Except when I’m drunk. A few days ago I triple-texted him and then called him. He didn’t answer, naturally. I just want to kiss him again and then never speak about it.
I don’t care about Laith anymore. He’s weird. With that being said, I’d still hook up with him only if he promised not to beat me up like last time. What even was that. Why did I let that slide.
I know what my issue is, too. The tiniest crumb of affection is enough to make me obsessed. A man could hold my hand for a second and have absolutely no idea what he’s just done to himself. I honestly don’t really think this needs fixing- I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a lot of love to give. I just have got to stop embarrassing myself.
Next time, I need to try suffering in silence instead of having entire conversations with myself in their inboxes.
On the bright side, I actually had a really nice, long weekend despite the mental chaos. The highlight of my week was meeting my mom’s boyfriend’s children- they are AWESOME! We all had dinner together, and then I took them out for drinks alone. I think they really liked me too, because I had to force them to leave to make sure they catch their flight. They’re amazing people and I really hope I get to call them my step-siblings one day (:
As for New Year’s resolutions: I really want to further my education this year, and I’m actually thinking of retaking my exams. I also seriously let myself go last year, so I want to take better care of myself this time around. I’m not 100% sure I have the determination yet, but we shall see.