It’s been so long since my last post I feel like I need to reintroduce myself.
February started off ROUGH. And by rough, I mean absolutely riddled with fear, anxiety, regret, and every other negative emotion that comes with being alive. For a good few days, I was actually wishing that my attempt at 17 worked while scrambling through therapist profiles online. Suicidal ideation, 24/7. That bad.
Then I got sick with the common cold, and I spent most of it suffering because I was too nervous to take Panadol. There’s something funny in spiraling about death while being scared of paracetamol.
The good news, if we’re calling it that, is that I’m four days sober. I fucking hate it. At least sobriety has taught me a cool new word to describe what I’m feeling: anhedonia. The inability to experience joy or pleasure. Terrific. Oh my god, I am so bored, and nothing is satisfying it.
I know my brain is supposed to recalibrate eventually, and I do intend to stay sober for as long as I can manage, but the bleakness of everything is what’s really fueling my insane cravings right now. I don’t even feel healthier or anything. Just sober and irritated about it. I know it’s only been four days but… I’m so bored I’m not even going to finish that sentence. My heart’s not in anything right now.
Yasmeen started working with me! I didn’t hate going to work before, but now I definitely don’t. Seeing her everyday has been really healing. And eye-opening. I realized I have a problem when we’d walk around and I’d point out a guy I have a crush on… six times. A day. I don’t think you’re supposed to fall in love with every man you lay eyes on.
Speaking of crushes, Hamza left to the UK for his last semester, so I’ll probably never see Salah again unless he comes back. There’s so much more I wanted to write about this. Layers. Deep limerence. Emotional damage. But I really don’t care about anything right now.
Maybe I’ll update this when my brain starts working again. Bye bye.
Also, It’s Ramadan. Ugh.